Oh, motherhood, you're exhaustingly beautiful, aren't you? The days are long and the years are short, that is for certain. But, I'm tired. Like really tired...I mean, I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I have six kids. Yes, only 3 are still at home, but my heart and mind seem to travel outside my body and scope of reality even with the ones that have flown the nest. As any parent knows, just because a child moves out and onto the next chapter of their life, does not mean you're ever "done" being their parent. So yes, I'm tired. I have six kids.
Yesterday was a marathon day. Not a literal one, however, I did get a run in. And I felt GOOD after that run. I had lots of energy. My mind was refreshed and I was ready to tackle the day. That is, until I came to the realization that my busy day was to begin earlier than I expected. Ignite overdrive... There's nothing I like less than having to smash our home school meeting into a lunch break, dash into the shower for a quick baptism, scoop up the littles, nudge the hubby, and jump into the car.
I was in a relay race from baseball, to the bookstore, to ballet, to math tutoring, then back to the dance studio, to Costco, switch some of the kids with Dad, onto the fabric store, to the gas station, back yet again to dance, then a fabric store repeat...yes, I was exhausted by the time I walked in the door at the end of the day.
When I arrived home, I found some of my beloved family leisurely going about their personal business. They had beat me home by HOURS. Yes, they brought the groceries in and placed them in the vicinity of where they belonged. Yes, they helped to unload the very cranky little monsters, I mean, munchkins, out of the car and into their jammies. And yes, they reloaded my car with the essentials for the following morning. These were good and helpful things, and for that, I'm very thankful. However, that wasn't enough for me. I was tired...REALLY tired.
As I looked around the house at the dishes piled in the sink, the leaves scattered across the floor, the laundry spilling out from the armchair AND all over the kitchen table, and the partially put-away groceries I could sense my composure coming undone...ugh. I felt like I was going to POP. Have you ever had that feeling? Like a bottle of pop (pun intended) about to explode because the carbination has built up by someone shaking it....You can feel it coming, you know it's not going to be pretty, you know you should probably tape your mouth shut and run for the hills, butttttt.....oops, explosion.
When I went searching for reinforcements I found them...watching TV, lounging on beds, reading books, listening to music, RELAXING. Like, what is relaxing, even?!
When I asked for help I was greeted with, "I'm busy." Hmmm....right. I blurted,
...not my finest parenting communication moment, I'll admit. Remember, I was tired...REALLY tired.
Upon tucking the littles into their cozy beds, I was asked, "Mommy, why are you angry?" and ouch, there were daggers at my heart. There was the tenderness...where were you just a bit ago, sweet human looking up at me with those sweet eyes and kind heart?! I really needed you then!
Humility then visits and thankfully stays for a bit. This seems to be my trend: I struggle, I stuff, I pop, and then I finally can see the light. I'm so thankful for forgiveness [and deep breaths...and bedtime.]
The last puzzle of the day was sleep. I was tired...really tired...so WHY is sleep always a problem for me? How can one be so exhausted ALL DAY that completing the simplest tasks is a huge challenge, yet falling asleep is an even bigger difficulty!? #themotherhoodisreal
I tossed in bed for hours waiting for my mind to catch-up with my body. Really?! How is this even remotely possible?? Mind, unwind already, would ya?
Finally I slept. For a small chunk, anyway. I was woken up early the next morning to giggles, stretches, and cuddles of my sweet little ones, which is truly the best way to greet the day. Upon rising, I hear, "Mommy, I don't sleep, do I?" This is their childish way of asking if it's time to rise and shine...time to get up. Sigh...I guess I'll sleep when they're grown.
Until then, I'll continue to work on patience, humility, and enjoying the sweet moments in between the layers of chaos. and lack of sleep.